Time to Check in (Part 1)

Whoever coined the phrase "time flies" was truly a visionary. It's been 3 months and 1 week since I officially became a pediatric resident. What can I say, my joy is complete but I'm not going to lie. Everyday hasn't been peach and that my life as a resident hasn't been a fairy tale. On the contrary, quite a few times I've regretted choosing this profession. Well, I swore to honesty when I started this blog; "raw and uncut" were the exact words. 
So far, I've complaint, sighed, wanted to punch some of my patients' parents and if I wasn't the tough girl that I am, I might have even cried a few times already. But as crazy as this sounds, I'm happier than ever. True, I've had some pretty rough moments in residency, but to be fair, this wasn't unexpected. Infact, all my predecessors had warned me about those moments when it's like a "dark cloud" falls over you. Those moments did come unfortunately. And more perhaps are yet to come. But I'm OK with that. I'm ok that it feels like I know nothing right now. I'm ok that there will be ups and downs. Most of all, I'm ok that I wake up the next day ready to take on a new challenge. This is who I was meant to be. I love it !!!

I looked back at my life 3 years ago. I was in Cameroon with one ambition: to come back to the US and train in a residency program. There were so many obstacles before me. There was a big ego to deal with. I was in such an emotional mess that I couldn't even gain weight (and I never pass on a meal). I really needed to change.  I'd always wanted to change (my attitude, my ways, my life) but I couldn't. Change is a difficult thing...but it's possible. I know this because it happened to me. Right before my eyes: complete transformation of my character, but before there was massive demolition of everything I once held on to. It was painful, very painful. I had "dark cloud" moments and asked myself why I ever picked this profession. And even then I didn't cry; I just tried to internalize what was happening and how on earth any of it was possible.
I wasn't too tough; wasn't too smart either. Just fortunate to meet a man, the only who could make this possible. I fell head over heels in love with this man and since then I changed forever. He goes by many names: Bright and Morning Star, Lily of the Valley, Rose of Sharon, Yeshua, Lion of Judah, El Shaddai, Jesus Christ and one of my favorites, Prince of Prince. He changed my life. It didn't happen immediately; it took time, time and time but look at me now. More than ever, I'm alive and I'm accomplishing my destiny. He can change yours too if you let him. He's standing at your door knocking. If you open the door, you'll meet a man who is so madly in love with you words can't express it. Please, open the door  =D

Yes, there will be tough times... but I can handle it. Nothing can steal my joy because my dream is turning into reality. I'm going to be a pediatrician!!!

KEEP CALM!!!
I'M GOING TO BE A PEDIATRICIAN

To God be the glory...

Gloomy Days Ahead-Part 3 (the Finale)

When I fell to the bottomless pit and found the deepest darkness all around me, that's when I realized that truly man is nothing. Man is nothing and life is meaningless. Two years ago, I was on top of my game, planning my future. I had worked hard in med school and made the right connections. I'd checked all the boxes so what on earth could stop me? Statistics were on my side and did I forget to say this: I never lost. Winning!
But pride happened. While I was busy memorizing my path to smooth up-pery, a voice from heaven must have said something like "You fool! This very night your life will be required of you. Then who will own what you have accumulated (in my case, what you were planning to accumulate)?" (Luke 12 :20). For those of you who know me well, you know the events that ensued. I landed in the wilderness. No, people, Cameroon wasn't fun (not at first, at least). I suffered there. I learnt what it meant to be exploited. Learnt what it meant to lose control and hated it. I fought and lost an eshaustive battle. And when I was tired of asking "how could this be", I realized I'd fallen rock-bottom. Blow after blow after blow. I cried in desolation, frustration, powerlessness and some more frustration. And where was my pride? Gone like a gold-digger bride. But does it even make sense for me to say this: that when I died, yes, my power to control everything and claim all my successes for myself died also, and that's when I came alive. Because I realized it couldn't have been me. Here was I in sinking sand yet couldn't get myself out. It had not been me all this while. It couldn't.
Those were perhaps the darkest days of my life. I'd lost all purpose known to life. I didn't know who I was but I definitely knew what I wasn't. I wanted answers but wasn't sure where to get them. Hell hath no fury as uncertainty, doubt, question marks. I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin. And where was my future? The glam, the flossing flossing. When I look back, I'm instantly filled with a reverential fear for pride. Humility is our friend, not foe. Pride will only destroy you.
Then the quest for answers was my only drive. I had to understand why things weren't the way they were. Why was I powerless and who had the power that I thought I had? I spent every bit of energy I had and almost went mad. But what I did find, as mind-blowing as it sounds, became the core of my very existence. I can't explain it, but every human can experience it too. If you haven't then I encourage you to take the trip; it's beyond anything you could ever imagine.
I got answers but beyond that, I got Jesus Christ. He destroyed my complete existence, which was made of lies, and gave me a new one. He found me in that pit, carried me on eagles' wings and fed me love, life, truth, peace, joy and every good thing I ever desired. And he gave me back control. But this control is through his name, the name that is above all other names. Through him, I am. And without him, there is no me. I matched into my top pediatric residency this year and as I kept thinking to myself "it has finally happened. My life is going to change" I was so humbled. I remembered my days in Cameroon, I remembered the question marks...and had a full appreciation for them. God found me then, broken and desperate and he turned me into this victorious figure. From a toothless bulldog into a roaring lion. Tell me, why would I live for anyone else??? With him, the sky is the limit. With him, I can't fear gloomy days ahead...

Now to Him who is able to do infinitely more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen (Ephesians 3:20)