My Extraordinary (Medical) Adventures: In The World of a Toddler

My Extraordinary (Medical) Adventures: In The World of a Toddler: In 2 months, my toddler has already taught me so much about life! I watch him trot about in his avocado-decorated diaper, unafraid to appear...

In The World of a Toddler

In 2 months, my toddler has already taught me so much about life! I watch him trot about in his avocado-decorated diaper, unafraid to appear silly. He started walking not too long ago so he’s not perfect yet. He still trips and falls every so often, but before you know it, he’s up and running again. I watch how assertive he gets when we negotiate reading vs playtime. He’s a tough cookie and doesn’t let anyone boss him around despite being the youngest human in the house. And to top it all, the boy knows how to get what he wants. He’s quite persistent and doesn’t let obstacles deter him ever. Almost sounds like the perfect adult, right? Yet he’s only 14 months old! I wonder where he gets his confidence from. 

As we celebrated another milestone, I failed to grasp how fast my son is growing. Almost feels like he was born yesterday. As expected in the first 2 years of life, his brain is rapidly developing and creating connections that enable him to do and be who he is day by day. It dawned on me that my toddler probably wakes up with brand new abilities perhaps everyday? Ok maybe not everyday, but pretty often. For example, one day he discovers he can move his fingers in a way he couldn’t before hence can now hold the handle of a cup (fine motor skills). Neat! Or his lips and cheeks can now fold in a new way so he can imitate that phrase mommy always says “no” (communication skills). Let’s think about this for a second. Won’t it be nice to wake up with new “abilities” everyday? The ability to multitask efficiently. To stop procrastinating. To say NO more often (except when it comes to your toddler). Or simply, not fussing over the little things because they work out anyway. I think it would be so amazing. Ok I digressed, but boy, did it feel good!

So back to toddlers! Mine is a ball of energy and sometimes, makes me want to pull my hair out or whatever’s left of it. Never before have I pushed myself to work this sleep deprived. Or had to use my inner genius to create distractions in exchange for cooperation. In spite of it all, l wouldn’t trade this for anything. Especially, when I’m drained from a hard day’s work and wonder how to keep up at playtime. Because another lesson awaits! He teaches me to be self content and motivated because somehow and I don’t know how, he manages to stay happy and amuse himself even if it means doing it on his own. In times like this, l wish he would never grow up. That he would eternalize these qualities because weren’t we all this special at some point? Yet we “adulted” and lost the sweet innocence that we all struggle to recover, quite never fully back.

A mom and Pediatrician at ❤️ @thrivingdoctor

Mentorship my Mantra FOR LIFE

So I was getting a quick orientation given that my first call as a pediatric cardiologist fellow was coming up. My Senior colleague went over my electronic medical record outline and made sure to set me with all the "tools I needed"... whether I agreed or not. Most items were super helpful in my "humble" opinion. But for others, I thought I was pretty set and already had things figured out. That's why I was quickly dismissive when she asked to show me how to manually calculate the QTc. I was like "meh, I'm good" "I'll just do it on the ECG reading software; doing it manually is too complicated and error-prone". But she insisted and showed me anyway. Turns out it wasn't that complicated, but I still proceeded to state that I would not use her method. Rude! And very inconsiderate given that she was going out of her way to do this. Later on, I appreciated her grace... 

Two days later, on call, I was consulted by a colleague who wanted a quick ECG intepretation on his patient. I found the patient's electronic chart, but there was no ECG! In my hospital, Cardiologists have an independent software where all ECGs are uploaded for formal intepretations (what I earlier alluded to). Certainly, I would find that ECG there and better yet the software tools would facilitate the job. 

 It wasn't there either! So I was stuck with reading an ECG that was nowhere to be found. 

If you've worked in the health care setting long enough, you know it takes very little for negative reports regarding your ability to "affect patient care" to start circulating. And I did not want any labels. 

As I was brainstorming, I suddenly had a light bulb moment. I called back my colleague and asked for a screenshot of the paper ECG. Although the ECG had not yet been uploaded in the patient's electronic chart, the paper copy was in the physical chart. So he emailed me the ECG while adhering to HIPAA regulations of privacy and confidentiality. Sigh of relief! Now I could read the ECG and right away, I could tell the QT interval looked prolonged. This meant calculating the QTc. I did not have the luxury of using my fancy software because the image was NOT uploaded. That meant doing it MANUALLY! I immediately flashed back to my initial encounter with my Senior Fellow and thanks to her method, got the answer I was looking for. 

 Mentorship is guidance provided by a more experienced counterpart in the same field. Needless to say, it can make your life easier because your mentor can save you from anticipated hardships and help you navigate the system. My Senior colleague was exercising mentorship. PEER mentorship, if I may add! Given that she had been in the same situation (new trainee) not long ago, she knew that having that information would make things easier. Not only was she a woman, but also a black female and immigrant in a very competitive specialty... just like me. She was, in the true sense of the word, looking out for me! 

 Turns out that ECG was abnormal and I was able to provide timely recommendations, which my Attending was quite pleased about. I immediately called my mentor and told what happened. I thanked and appreciated her. She hardly said much in return. All she wanted was for me to succeed and not make the same mistakes. This is mentorship. 

 Dedicated to all those who believe in mentorship...

Follow me on Instagram @thrivingdoctor

My Extraordinary (Medical) Adventures: Rise of the Working Mom (Part Two)

My Extraordinary (Medical) Adventures: Rise of the Working Mom (Part Two): When my son was born he was this fragile little being. His cry broke my heart. He was so small yet so powerful. His existence instantly tran...

Rise of the Working Mom (Part Two)

When my son was born he was this fragile little being. His cry broke my heart. He was so small yet so powerful. His existence instantly transformed and brought the best out of me. Things changed... like my driving; I stopped speeding. I exercised and ate better. I became more kind and generous.

 

When my maternity leave expired, it was time to go back to work...but I couldn't. I wouldn't. I couldn't think straight, my heart was pounding, my palms were sweaty. I knew I needed more time. I called my boss. I knew she was a mother and would understand. We talked and discussed options including extending my maternal leave of 8 weeks. She was supportive and encouraged me to take the time I needed. I was warned however, that I would have to make up any additional time. Pediatric residency is 3 years and any additional time outside of vacation and personal/sick day had to be made up.
I hated the thought of staying behind. As if it wasn't enough that repeating my entire intern year had already put me one year behind. Now I had to extend my residency for an additional 2 weeks. Initially frustrating, but the extra time with my son ended up being the best decision and I'm glad I had that support.

I don't know where I got the strength to go back. Everyday at work felt like a piece of me was ripped apart. It was painful. But with time, it became bearable. My baby grew and wasn't this fragile being anymore. He started sitting, babbling and crawling around. My nerves calmed down.

He is about to turn ONE. He is growing, cruising and chatting away. Now I ask "why did the time fly by"? LOL. I praise God for this journey and for teaching me patience. I have so much respect for Mothers. Mothers all over the world. Housewives. Working mothers. Single mothers. How do we do it??? Only God knows, but keep doing it!!!

Dedicated to ALL (working) MOTHERS...

Rise of The Working Mother (Part One)

I felt the gush of water down my cheeks as I walked down the stairs. By the time, I got to my car, I couldn't see anymore; tears had flooded my eyes. The cry of my baby boy was still vivid and it felt like someone was ripping my heart apart. He wanted to nurse, but I had to go to work. He didn't want a piece of rubber in his mouth; he wanted his mother! I had pumped and saved milk before returning to work, and I felt pretty good about that. I never expected this wasn't enough! It started like a joke. First time, he rejected the bottle and I was so confused. When he kept rooting towards my chest, I knew he was definitely hungry. I put him on my breast and he nursed away.
Now I was driving to work, crying and asking myself why on earth would I take care of others' kids when I couldn't even breastfeed mine. It was so hard! I wiped my face, got to work and checked my schedule. No patients yet. Still feeling upset, I knew I only had a few minutes to "fix" myself so I went to my confidante, also a mother. It wasn't long before she knew something was wrong and I broke down in uncontrollable sobs. She gave me a hug and started praying for me. I heard her asking God for strength and I realized that I definitely needed that. I realized that it's hard to be a mother...especially a working one in America. My maternity leave lasted 8 weeks, 2 weeks more than the average time in several residency programs. Boy, was I naive to think that would suffice! But that's the norm in America. While our counterparts around the world nurture their babies from 6 to 12 months, we're rushing to work after 6 to 12 weeks. We have effectively numbed ourselves to our babies' feelings and their innate needs...in order to meet demands of society! My little one was acting perfectly normal and not being able to oblige broke my heart.
Somehow, I felt much better. Perhaps I needed a hug and some loving from someone who knew better. Someone who could say "Obi will be fine; go be you!" I dried the tears and went out there and did my thing. This is the life I chose (no regrets) and now that I have a little one, I value being a pediatrician more than ever. Obi eventually took his bottle and when I came home, he flashed the biggest smile at his mother. If there was anything rewarding that entire day, it was that moment!!!


Dedicated to all (working) mothers...

The complexity of learning

One day, I called a Practicing physician (a doctor done with residency training) to give a report on a common patient that was under my care. I’ve done this several times before so I thought this would be the least of my problems.

After brief pleasantries, I started presenting the patient. I was quickly interrupted. The doctor wanted me to expand on something I’d mentioned. Truth is this info hadn’t been relevant to my working diagnosis so I’d not pursued it in my history-taking.
The doctor asked the first question. I didn’t have the answer. 2nd question I didn’t have the answer either. I could feel her temper rising. The 3rd blunder and then came the boiling point. I was told that my sign out was “unacceptable for a resident in a teaching hospital” followed by a click.

After 5sec of reflection, I redirected my attention back to my patient. I really felt like I’d prepared, but the doctor clearly, didn’t feel that way. I had to equip myself and call her back. When I did, the conversation was still dicey, but at least, she let me finish this time. After sensing my tone, she said she was only trying to help me.

I have so much appreciation for all my teachers. So much more for those who are humble and don’t feel the need to demean anybody. Yes, I’m all about learning, but not by ridiculing me. If that’s the only way then I’d would rather not learn...from you.
They say you develop tough skin. I feel bad for people who have to degrade others to make themselves feel better. If you have to debase someone in order to elevate yourself I think you need a psychiatric evaluation. It’s not normal.

I did go back to my work, but I learnt that you can never be prepared enough. I’ve been doing this for a few years and every time I get comfortable, something new happens. And that’s the beauty of learning-it never ends! And if you let anyone take that away from you, that's a disservice to yourself.

I'm back...

The mirror asked: where have you been, strange face? Yes, it's been that long. My last blog was on Oct 2016, 2 years ago.

Allow me to re-introduce myself. My name is Annie Tedga. This blog was birthed by hardship. A medical student 7 years ago. My world was crashing down. And blogging became my only outlet. I talked about anything and everything.

Years later, I started residency...and I was over the moon! After all I'd been through, my dream of becoming a pediatrician was coming true. Ironically, that dream turned into a nightmare. I wanted to blog. I had so much to say...but I just froze!
If you're patient, the sun will shine again. I'm blogging again. Gold is refined by fire and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Jonas stayed in the fish for 3 days and when he came out he was so crisp that his message turned a whole nation around.

Hardship birthed this blog. Hardship will re-vamp it. All I have left to offer is my BEST blogs ever because the good and better are gone.

Sit down and relax...



Yours truly,

AT-O

Time to Check in (Part 1)

Whoever coined the phrase "time flies" was truly a visionary. It's been 3 months and 1 week since I officially became a pediatric resident. What can I say, my joy is complete but I'm not going to lie. Everyday hasn't been peach and that my life as a resident hasn't been a fairy tale. On the contrary, quite a few times I've regretted choosing this profession. Well, I swore to honesty when I started this blog; "raw and uncut" were the exact words. 
So far, I've complaint, sighed, wanted to punch some of my patients' parents and if I wasn't the tough girl that I am, I might have even cried a few times already. But as crazy as this sounds, I'm happier than ever. True, I've had some pretty rough moments in residency, but to be fair, this wasn't unexpected. Infact, all my predecessors had warned me about those moments when it's like a "dark cloud" falls over you. Those moments did come unfortunately. And more perhaps are yet to come. But I'm OK with that. I'm ok that it feels like I know nothing right now. I'm ok that there will be ups and downs. Most of all, I'm ok that I wake up the next day ready to take on a new challenge. This is who I was meant to be. I love it !!!

I looked back at my life 3 years ago. I was in Cameroon with one ambition: to come back to the US and train in a residency program. There were so many obstacles before me. There was a big ego to deal with. I was in such an emotional mess that I couldn't even gain weight (and I never pass on a meal). I really needed to change.  I'd always wanted to change (my attitude, my ways, my life) but I couldn't. Change is a difficult thing...but it's possible. I know this because it happened to me. Right before my eyes: complete transformation of my character, but before there was massive demolition of everything I once held on to. It was painful, very painful. I had "dark cloud" moments and asked myself why I ever picked this profession. And even then I didn't cry; I just tried to internalize what was happening and how on earth any of it was possible.
I wasn't too tough; wasn't too smart either. Just fortunate to meet a man, the only who could make this possible. I fell head over heels in love with this man and since then I changed forever. He goes by many names: Bright and Morning Star, Lily of the Valley, Rose of Sharon, Yeshua, Lion of Judah, El Shaddai, Jesus Christ and one of my favorites, Prince of Prince. He changed my life. It didn't happen immediately; it took time, time and time but look at me now. More than ever, I'm alive and I'm accomplishing my destiny. He can change yours too if you let him. He's standing at your door knocking. If you open the door, you'll meet a man who is so madly in love with you words can't express it. Please, open the door  =D

Yes, there will be tough times... but I can handle it. Nothing can steal my joy because my dream is turning into reality. I'm going to be a pediatrician!!!

KEEP CALM!!!
I'M GOING TO BE A PEDIATRICIAN

To God be the glory...

Gloomy Days Ahead-Part 3 (the Finale)

When I fell to the bottomless pit and found the deepest darkness all around me, that's when I realized that truly man is nothing. Man is nothing and life is meaningless. Two years ago, I was on top of my game, planning my future. I had worked hard in med school and made the right connections. I'd checked all the boxes so what on earth could stop me? Statistics were on my side and did I forget to say this: I never lost. Winning!
But pride happened. While I was busy memorizing my path to smooth up-pery, a voice from heaven must have said something like "You fool! This very night your life will be required of you. Then who will own what you have accumulated (in my case, what you were planning to accumulate)?" (Luke 12 :20). For those of you who know me well, you know the events that ensued. I landed in the wilderness. No, people, Cameroon wasn't fun (not at first, at least). I suffered there. I learnt what it meant to be exploited. Learnt what it meant to lose control and hated it. I fought and lost an eshaustive battle. And when I was tired of asking "how could this be", I realized I'd fallen rock-bottom. Blow after blow after blow. I cried in desolation, frustration, powerlessness and some more frustration. And where was my pride? Gone like a gold-digger bride. But does it even make sense for me to say this: that when I died, yes, my power to control everything and claim all my successes for myself died also, and that's when I came alive. Because I realized it couldn't have been me. Here was I in sinking sand yet couldn't get myself out. It had not been me all this while. It couldn't.
Those were perhaps the darkest days of my life. I'd lost all purpose known to life. I didn't know who I was but I definitely knew what I wasn't. I wanted answers but wasn't sure where to get them. Hell hath no fury as uncertainty, doubt, question marks. I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin. And where was my future? The glam, the flossing flossing. When I look back, I'm instantly filled with a reverential fear for pride. Humility is our friend, not foe. Pride will only destroy you.
Then the quest for answers was my only drive. I had to understand why things weren't the way they were. Why was I powerless and who had the power that I thought I had? I spent every bit of energy I had and almost went mad. But what I did find, as mind-blowing as it sounds, became the core of my very existence. I can't explain it, but every human can experience it too. If you haven't then I encourage you to take the trip; it's beyond anything you could ever imagine.
I got answers but beyond that, I got Jesus Christ. He destroyed my complete existence, which was made of lies, and gave me a new one. He found me in that pit, carried me on eagles' wings and fed me love, life, truth, peace, joy and every good thing I ever desired. And he gave me back control. But this control is through his name, the name that is above all other names. Through him, I am. And without him, there is no me. I matched into my top pediatric residency this year and as I kept thinking to myself "it has finally happened. My life is going to change" I was so humbled. I remembered my days in Cameroon, I remembered the question marks...and had a full appreciation for them. God found me then, broken and desperate and he turned me into this victorious figure. From a toothless bulldog into a roaring lion. Tell me, why would I live for anyone else??? With him, the sky is the limit. With him, I can't fear gloomy days ahead...

Now to Him who is able to do infinitely more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen (Ephesians 3:20)

A night without skype...

I was on call. Yes, in a fancy clinic. No real patients. No headaches. Just rich folks looking for an excuse to sleep out of their homes. Because yes, these rooms were posh. Marble floors. Plasma TVs. Jacuzzis and even maid service. Definitely, an excuse to sleep out of the house. And I was a fresh grad looking to make some quick cash so this was a match made in heaven. During night rounds, I felt like a nuisance. These folks weren't sick; they didn't need me yet I had to smile and ask for complaints. I'd get a polite nod or barely an acknowledgement. "Doctor or housekeeper?" sometimes I doubted my own identity yet managed to keep the pleasantries until my rounds were over.
Then I'd return to my office (yes, I had an office) and skype away...till either a pseudo-complaint came through or my eyes could no longer struggle with gravity. 

The nurse informed me of a new admission so I followed her to the patient's room hoping to make it rather snappy and return to my favorite past-time. I met there a young man on the bed with two adults around him - a man and a woman. Quickly scanned him; stepped out and the nurse followed soon after. One look at her and I wanted to demolish her very existence. How the heck could she admit a patient like this? Unconscious! This was a clinic, not a hospital. Where was the equipment to monitor him? He needed a head CT Scan, an EKG, even X-rays; we didn't have any of that!

After pacing for about a minute, which felt like 20, I went back in there to break the news. "Sorry. We can't keep him because our facility isn't equipped to handle critical cases". Then I caught his wife's eyes...I mean, she was looking at me like I was her only hope. How can you put your hopes in someone like me??? I just wanted to surf the internet; I had no idea what was wrong with him and what to do with him. But till today, I can't explain what happened to me. I suddenly awakened and took control! I told the nurse to start an IV line and while taking his vitals, I took the history. We took his blood sugar, which was very low. We immediately administered hypertonic (high sugar) fluids, and in seconds literally, he came to life. In minutes, he was as good as new, like nothing had ever happened.

The story goes thus: his boys came home before dinner and dragged him out to the bar. He drank on an empty stomach and suffered from alcohol-induced hypoglycemia. Patients have described symptoms such as hypothermia, nervousness, rapid heartbeat and sweating (American Diabetes Society), but coma occurs when the blood sugar level falls very very low, which can happen quickly if fasting or exercise precedes drinking. Why does this happen? Because alcohol blocks the liver from making glucose (gluconeogenesis) so that you run out of energy in no time.

Mayo clinic website

The treatment is giving the individual glucose: 1 teaspoon of sugar or fun sips of coke or (even better) indulging on hard candy- ok, maybe a couple! However, if the person is comatose like in our case, an intravenous infusion with hypertonic fluids (20-30cc of Dextrose 30%) should wake him up. We had a less than ideal concentration, but still flushed it down until he woke up. As long as he got the glucose...
I did retire to my office after my patient was fully up and chatty. But I couldn't skype that night. I began reflecting. What if I hadn't checked his blood sugar? This was Cameroon; I was the patient's 911. What if I wasn't prepared for this? And then I realized that I was my greatest obstacle. And that I had to get out of my comfort zone!!!

References:
American Diabetic Society
uptodate.com
get.smarter.com
cs.stedwards.edu

Cradle of Humanity

Who are you? How old are you? What are your achievements so far? Are you happy with them? Or do you want more? It's that time of our lives, right? We ask these questions and scrutinize our responses more intently than ever. 

I just turned 32. My name is Annie. Or Naariah (child of God), an awesome metaphor! I aspire to change lives. Perhaps I'm doing that already but only God can answer for sure. I am of African descent. Cameroonian. Sometimes, culturally jaded; I moved to the US at 19, lived there for 10 years then moved home for 3 years then moved back to the US again. I wanted to become a flight attendant, then a journalist, then a sales professional. Never a physician...yet that's what I became.

Is it possible for someone to have "so much" yet so little? Think about it; I'm sure it makes sense. You know, like you have a job, a nice circle of fr-amily and a busy social life...yet something's missing. 

The first time I heard about "cradle of civilization" I remember asking myself "how come Africa?" We are the most underdeveloped, needy and most vulnerable. It was quite ironical; how come the place where humankind was nurtured in its earlier stage, is today in several respects, still the baby of the family? It didn't make sense, just as much as that inner hollow people feel despite their palpable success. But I wanted to dig deeper. And then it hit me that perhaps I was going about it the wrong way. It wasn't about being the perfect place, but about a good home, where the right values would be taught and would make us whole. 

 www.goaway.com. Kruger National Park, South Africa.

I was in Cameroon for 3 years. I still don't know if Africa is the cradle of humanity, but that's what she is to me. There's something about that place that does something to you; it's like going back to basics (you've got to experience it for yourself!). And after everything, I can say I found what I was looking for. It was sitting somewhere in the midst of that simplicity and serenity, and found solace there. So... where is your cradle of humanity? 

Tell them to be compassionate...

"Doc, you don't want to go into that room" The nurse was giving me heads up. I was about to do my rounds, and although the comment was welcomed I still had to see my patient. As we walked towards the room I tried putting away any prejudice.
So I put on my mask then walked into the room; after all, this was the isolation ward with numerous TB patients. Soon after my entry, I realized that no amount of cover-up could mask the stench that filled my nostrils. I walked to the patient's bed. Her very massive left leg, oozing foul-smelling pus, immediately caught my attention. She was there, seemingly clueless as to what was happening to her body so for her to keep whatever was left of her dignity I had to act normal (even though my nose was having a heart attack). I inquired about her life and the course of her illness. I turned to her husband who'd been standing there the whole time. I had a mask and was complaining about the smell yet this man hadn't left his wife's bedside.

Characteristic KS lesions: violaceous plaques 

This wasn't TB; it was Kaposi Sarcoma, a common condition in AIDS patients. She was 23-years-old and had four children at home. Uneducated, she could barely keep her story straight. Her husband, a farmer twice her age, filled in the blanks often. I was touched by their humility but saddened by reality. So much that I asked Mr Sam, her husband, to test for HIV. When he declined I realized he too must have been dreading the same thing. After addressing his concerns, he finally took the test and..........was HIV positive as well. Giving him post-test counseling was difficult and emotionally draining, but his wife was very sick and needed our complete focus.
Kaposi Sarcoma is a cancer caused by the human herpes virus 8 (HHV8). There are four different forms of KS, but the AIDS-related variant is most likely what my patient had. KS is an AIDS-defining illness meaning that its diagnosis along with a documented HIV infection is conclusive for AIDS. KS can also affect HIV-negative people (as is the case for other forms of KS), but it tends to be more aggressive lethal even in HIV-positive people especially if their immune system is very compromised (CD4 count below 200).
AIDS-related KS isn't curable but the lesions will regress if the immune system is reconstituted with Anti-retroviral therapy (ART). Chemotherapy could be of additional benefit if the disease is widespread as was the case with my patient.

So the cancer team came in and wrote my patient up for chemotherapy. Mr Sam, with a lot of difficulty, managed to pay the 1st of four rounds of chemo needed for his wife's regimen. Unfortunately, she died before we could even administer it. I felt a deep compassion for Mr Sam and his bereaved children.



References:
1) Image1:"<a href="http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Kaposis_Sarcoma_Lesions.jpg#/media/File:Kaposis_Sarcoma_Lesions.jpg">Kaposis Sarcoma Lesions</a>" by OpenStax College - Anatomy &amp; Physiology, Connexions Web site. <a rel="nofollow" class="external free" href="http://cnx.org/content/col11496/1.6/">http://cnx.org/content/col11496/1.6/</a>, Jun 19, 2013.. 
2) Image2:"<a href="http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Kaposis_sarcoma_01.jpg#/media/File:Kaposis_sarcoma_01.jpg">Kaposis sarcoma 01</a>" by M. Sand, D. Sand, C. Thrandorf, V. Paech, P. Altmeyer, F. G. Bechara - M. Sand, D. Sand, C. Thrandorf, V. Paech, P. Altmeyer, F. G. Bechara: Cutaneous lesions of the nose. 

Cleaning out the attic...

This man I know gave a testimony in my church. He'd been in a motorbike accident the previous day and had his pinkie finger cut off. Yet he stood there with a huge smile on his face, thanking God. I felt like asking him to shut up. Was it irony or just plain insanity? Well, it turns out after examining his injury, the doctor had told him that the whole hand would be amputated. And since he was a carpenter, that would have been a major disaster. So I can totally understand that he was grateful to keep his hand, but I wasn't over the fact that he'd lost a finger. I realized that this man was in a place, emotionally, that I couldn't access. That he had something that I wanted but wasn't sure how to get it.
So there I was walking through Central Park, New York. Four years ago, in this same city, I had a serious falling out with close friends, which led to a cascade of other events that unmasked personal issues that I've been struggling with. That's when it dawned on me that perhaps all this time, I was the problem. And that I was holding on to things such as unforgiveness and selfishness that had become a hindrance to me.

Then I thought about God. A verse in Psalms says that as high as the sky is above the earth so great is his love for those who seek him. He loves me more than my mind could ever fathom, and this fact challenged me to be better. It challenged me to let go of whatever was holding me back. Maybe this trip to New York wasn't random after all. It was time to clean out the attic. And maybe after doing that, I could finally behold the full measure of joy that the man had experienced. The kind of joy that makes you praise God even when circumstances dictate otherwise. I thank God for opening my eyes to see my faults; I thank God for new beginnings and I definitely thank God for New York City (ah-may-zing)!!!